


The Adventures of Mummy Buggy and her Darling Shanks

by sendosenpai



Category: One Piece
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Attempt at humour, F/M, M/M, ZoSan - Freeform, banterous cringe, buggy is pretty weird, genderbent buggy, obsessed buggy, raising sanji, shanks and buggy are not endgame, shanks being a good father, shanks being shanks, shuggy
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-06-12
Updated: 2019-02-18
Packaged: 2019-05-21 14:27:30
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 7,394
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14917073
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sendosenpai/pseuds/sendosenpai
Summary: The adventures of Mummy Buggy and Shanks dealing with the fallout.Humour. Genderbent Buggy.





	1. Adventure Numero Uno: Your Mummy and Daddy Love You Very Much

**Author's Note:**

> For Maris during these trying exam times.

Sanji and (Daddy) Shanks took their regular seats in the musty, smoky bar. At this time the bar was already beginning to gain momentum and noise, alcohol permeating every fume of air, each inhalation enough to get even the wettest tastebuds begging for sake. Sanji’s uncle Hawkeye (sibling to Mummy Buggy, who had met Shanks through her older brother) was already waiting in their designated booth, pouring sake down his own throat.

These were the ‘man lessons’ Shanks had to give his adoptive son Sanji – otherwise the clingy woman known as Shanks’ life partner and other half, Mummy Buggy (as everyone, even Shanks referred to her) would ruin the child indefinitely. Shanks wouldn’t raise a cowardly child who cowered behind its mother. At least Sanji was close to matching him drink-for-drink and was useful when out in the bar with Hawkeye, Shanks’ other life – and drinking – partner. Sanji was a decent designated driver. 

Which was his role for the evening. Hawkeye and Shanks downed more alcohol (they had been steadily drinking throughout the day) and Sanji waited for the right moment to strike, when Shanks reached the perfect level of drunk where he was both easier to talk to and more giving in his answers.

The moment was reached an hour and a half later, the tolerance of the drinking pair high after their daily drinking activities. 

“Shanks,” Sanji was only allowed to call him ‘Daddy’ when at home, “Why don’t you love Mummy?”

Sanji’s pre-planned question had emerged after his conversation with his Mummy the day before…

-

“Sanji-poo!” Mummy Buggy trilled, clobbering down the staircase. She twirled around the banister and managed to stop her momentum just inches before smacking into her son’s body, blue curls mounted high on her head. She had freshly-polished her clown shoes just for the occasion and dragged Sanji by the wrist to the plush living room, sitting down on a paired sofa.

“My darling Sanji,” Mummy Buggy petted locks of Sanji’s blonde hair, “You now have an honest and long relationship with that other boy, don’t you? Sorrow.”

“His name’s Zoro,” Sanji gently corrected, not that Mummy Buggy was listening (she was too busy admiring her beautiful son’s face, expecting nothing less from a child raised by Shanks-san), “And we’ve been dating for less than a week, Mummy.” 

“Of course, of course my dear boi. I had met your father for less than a minute and already knew I was obsessed with him! But anyway, onto less important matters – or rather MORE IMPORTANT because they are to do with my little boy, my smol angel.” Mummy Buggy was tearing up at the thought. “Ah, you’re all grown up now!” Mummy Buggy sniffed. “Now, let me tell you all of Mummy’s tricks and trades of the bedroom – and of course, how to manage your man in the bedroom.” Mummy Buggy winked at author-san. “Tip one,” Mummy did jazz-hands, “Always – always leave your man wanting more. Never give him everything. I, for one, have never slept with your father Shanks.”

“You mean sex?”

“Ah, my dear boy!” Mummy Buggy screamed. “I meant in the same bed!”

“The same…bed?” Sanji was dumbfounded, shocked into silence, and Mummy Buggy took this as a positive reaction, smiling and cupping his hands. Sanji remembered how he had never been allowed into his parents’ bedroom and always assumed that was normal for children – but what if in those four walls his parents were hiding what was truly a disintegrated relationship, two separate beds with too much space between them?

“Ah, well I’ve always been a strong-willed woman, Sanji.” Mummy Buggy was still sniffling, cupping his Sanji’s hands closer to her bosom. “Your Daddy wants me. I can tell. It’s in his sultry looks and the way he showers naked.”

Sanji wondered how his Mummy showered.

-

“Sanji,” Shanks said with a slight slur, “What’s important is that both Mummy a-and Daddy love you both – very much.” Shanks clapped his hand over Sanji’s that was resting idly on the table. “W-why don’t you get me and you – hic – uncle more sake?” One of the other regulars said something in Shanks’ idle ear, snatching his attention.

Sanji went to the bar to order more sake. Why did Shanks’ word sound more like what you would say to a child before his parents broke up?

sanpei - hi guys!!! how did you like this first installment??? sowee for the shortness, first chapter just to introduce you to the characters!!!

 

pwease leave comments and kudos and tell me if you like!!!


	2. Chapter 2

CHAPTER TWO

Mummy Buggy was having a glorious time decorating the garden for her precious boi’s eighteenth birthday party. She was pinning Thomas the Tank Engine balloons up that read ‘HAPPY EIGHTEETH BIRTHDAY SANJI’ and had caterers bringing out chairs and tables from a van for the party.

Luckily her smol boi was busy at that moment – his boyfriend had decided to take him out for his birthday. Mummy Buggy trusted Sanji-poo not to be doing anything over PG – and either way, she had a private investigator following him (for his own security and protection, of course!) whenever he went out without his parents. 

Shanks, having heard the commotion, heaving himself out of a midday hangover-induced nap (most commonly taken in the spare room where Buggy was less likely to stumble onto him) and into the garden, shading his eyes with his hand. He watched Mummy Buggy’s stocky frame buzz back and forth between caterers and moving men, adjusting every little detail from her spot on the footladder where the doting control freak in her couldn’t help but get too involved. 

“Buggy,” Shanks took a step out onto the porch, bare-foot and bare-chested, “What’s going on?” Unfortunately he could very well see what was going on, and had to stop himself from grinding his teeth in agitation.

Mummy Buggy, usually painfully aware of Shanks’ every move and precise scent, was shocked that he caught her off guard. She gulped. Her step ladder started to wobble and the longer she stared at Shanks’ bare chest the more balance she lost.

Shanks sighed and stepped back into the house, re-emerging moments later with a shirt on. He was far too used to her antics and her odd, keenly-ignored obsession. Thankfully in the changed circumstances Mummy Buggy seemed more able to maintain conversation. 

Mummy Buggy managed to look at Shanks’ face this time, though the lush outline of his body prompted a streak of drool around her chin (the army of caterers and party planners seemed wearier of her after that). “My darling Shanks!” she sung with her arms wide. “What brings you here?”

Shanks took another angry step out onto the porch. Many of the party planners eyed him in interest. After all, Shanks had that one piece of sensuality that many men were lacking. He was aloof – brooding – and in that moment, ANGREEEE.

“What are you doing?”

Mummy Buggy seemed put off by his response. She had never seen Shanks angry. Shanks loved her, after all. Shanks doted on her and let her spend his mysteriously-earned money and always supported her. Shanks approved of everything she did. He was the best husband. Mummy Buggy had heard her girlfriends complain of their husbands’ poor habits and attitudes towards them – Mummy Buggy never had any of these complaints. Shanks never drunk like those husbands, and he never complained about Mummy Buggy. To see him angry? Mummy Buggy was confused enough to put down the streamers she was pinning up, stepping off the footstool to walk up to her beau. 

“Why are you upset, my love?”

Shanks scrutinised the woman before him. “We agreed. We agreed that I would handle Sanji’s eighteenth party. You had birthdays one through to seventeen. I have eighteen. That was the deal.” His tone was stern, something Mummy Buggy had never properly heard from the husband she was so used to being casual and lax. 

“We-we never made that agreement,” Mummy Buggy squeaked nervously. 

Shanks took a step towards his nervously-shifting wo-mans. “Let me jog your memory. It was the evening of Sanji’s thirteenth birthday. You had just thrown him a Tellytubby-themed party. Only two other kids showed up and we had to finish it early. I spent an hour and a half trying to convince you to let me plan his fourteeth. You resisted. You let me plan his eighteenth as long as you got to touch my chest for ten seconds.”

Mummy Buggy was quietened with a blush. She stared at her feet before looking around to the caterers, who were all pretending not to listen to their argument. She felt slightly betrayed that Shanks would share their most intimate moment to an audience, though her flush darkened when she realised the true interpretation of Shanks’ words. Shanks was showing her off. He wanted any other suitors to have their hands off! She thought back to the other women who had started muttering as soon as Shanks had left for those few seconds to pull a shirt over his muscled upper-body. Now they too would know how serious and crazy Shanks was about his Mummy Buggy. 

“I-I remember,” Mummy Buggy muttered cutely. “But – but Shanks – I’ve already ordered Sanji’s beautiful cake! And – and,” Mummy Buggy could see how upset and dare she say it – for she never imagined her darling husband being angry at HER – but to see Shanks gnawing back his anger, was he unwell? “Eighteenth is the best one, Shanks!”

“You went back on your word?” Shanks had to turn his face away from the woman, taking a deep quasi-calming breath. “You know how important I think a promise is.” A promise was practically a curse to Shanks. It had to be kept regardless of the scenario or the stupidity.

At that moment two people carried a cake through to one of the recently set-up table, pulling off the covering. Hidden was a five-tiered Thomas the Tank Engine cake with small edible moulds of the other engines around the outside.

Shanks blanched. Mummy Buggy’s cakes usually reached a less-intimidating three tiers. 

“I invited all of Sanji’s school friends, and people from his old school! It had to be an extra big and extra special cake!” Mummy Buggy smiled at her Daddy Shanks, waiting for his approval.

“Buggy. Do you remember why Sanji had to move schools?”

Buggy just giggled. “Well of course, Sanji-kins told me all about it! He preferred the course at Red Hat High and specifically asked me to ask you if you were all right with driving him an hour and a half each morning and afternoon to pick him up! I of course tried my hardest to convince you because I’ve always valued Sanji-poo’s education –“  
“Is that what he told you?” Shanks bristled. “I spent hours of research finding Red Hat High after Sanji’s seventeenth birthday party. Remember? The Hungry Caterpillar one where you dressed as a frumpy apple?”

Mummy Buggy instantly sensed that frumpy was in fact NOT synonymous for sexy. If the costume was so unsexy then how come Shanks spent hours out that night, away from his Mummy Booger, to relieve the stress of the rippling and magnetic sexual tension between them? 

She stamped one of her feet against the floor. “You LOVED that outfit Daddy Shanks – don’t lie to me!” Tears were welling in her eyes and she crossed her arms over her chest, maggoty-lips curled in a pout.

“Sanji was bullied for that goddamn party. So much so that he asked me to pull him out of his old school so those kids could never talk to him again. When are you going to realise our son is no longer a child? He’s eighteen, Buggy. You’re ruining his life by pulling this shit. Which school is he supposed to go to next – one in France, or Italy maybe if that’s not far enough?” Shanks’ nostrils were flaring. It was so odd to see him angry. The muscles in his cheek worked as he ground his teeth together. 

“Sanji would never lie to me!” Mummy Buggy protested. She knew her darling baby boi. Shanks just didn’t understand. Sanji would love this party! She could already imagine him and his friends enjoying themselves. She remembered Sanji’s successful seventeenth. All of the guests spent the majority of the party laughing! That was a good sign, wasn’t it? And they had given Sanji such delightful birthday beats – his mouth had been swollen for over a week.

“I’m calling it off,” Shanks gritted out. He stepped away from his wife. “The party’s over! All of you get the hell out of here!” He still looked washed-out from the hangover, and that just served to make him look more intimidating. The party planners and caterers stilled. “Did you hear me?” This time Shanks was really raising his voice, veins in his arms bulging as his muscles tightened. “Pack up and leave. Now!”

They started packing away with haste. Mummy Buggy came to Shanks’ shoulder, protesting, but he just brushed her away and made his way back inside. 

By the time Zoro dropped Sanji home the garden was littered with strewn decorations, grass trampled over and flattened. The house was quiet. Mummy Buggy’s charm had dulled. She didn’t sing Sanji’s name when he entered through the door. 

It was then that Sanji knew something was REALLY wrong.

sanpei - hewwo friends and readers and fwends!!! thank u for weeding the adwentures of muwwy buwwy and dwaddy shanks. what are your thoughts on this cwapter?? will their entwire welationship disinwergrate?? 

thank u dear commenter. pwease give many more comments and kwudos befwore the next update. mummy booger needs them

your loving swanpei xxx


	3. Chapter drei - dry knees and elbows

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> dry knees and elbows. need some butta

CHAPTER THREE

This time they drank sake in the living room. Sanji and Shanks passed the bottle between them. Hawkeye was yet to arrive. There had been no candles to blow out or song to sing, so Shanks grabbed a butter knife and handed it to Sanji. 

“At least it tastes good,” Shanks said through a mouthful of buttercream. Blue icing from Thomas’ engine was smeared over his lips, the same colour as Mummy Buggy’s hair. Sanji took a bite of his own slice. He felt guilty for being glad that Daddy had somehow managed to close down the party, because, well – Mummy had tried so hard. He took another sip of sake. Mummy was the type to deflect pain and offence easily, to move on from things; he hoped she moved on from this. 

“Here.” Shanks took his wallet from the coffee table, extracting a handful of notes. “Happy birthday, Sanji. Plan a party or whatever. Alcohol and whatever else you jock meatheads do.”

“Thanks.”

They drank in silence until Hawkeye’s arrival. He handed Sanji a bottle of alcohol upon entering, “Happy birthday.” Then he sat on Shanks’ other side.

“Buggy told me you guys had an argument,” Hawkeye said. Sanji slid out of the room so as not to interrupt Shanks and Hawkeye or their serious argument; after all, what would Mummy’s baby boi do if she was no longer with his Daddy??? Could a Mummy BE a Mummy without a Daddy? Sanji wondered all of those things. Even though he was only a smol baby boi, even he could detect that the argument between his Mummy and Daddy was more grave than just a BIRTHDAY PARTY. He could sense the simmering resentment and fatigue from his Daddy Shanks. The only hope left was Uncle Hockey. 

Shanks gritted his teeth. “She went back on her word.” He was clearly far from drunk. He couldn’t stand the idea of staying in such close vicinity with someone who was cowardly enough to break a promise. If he broke a promise, he wouldn’t even be in this situation.

Hawkeye sighed, understanding the gravity of the situation. “Listen Shanks. I know you did this for me, and I know you stayed by her side this whole time to honour your word. But it’s been almost twenty years. Our agreement was just that you married her, and you have.”

Shanks decided to forgo using a glass, necking the bottle of alcohol. “And Sanji is older now.”

“Eighteen. So you won’t be leaving anyone behind.”

Shanks tipped his head back on the sofa and sighed.

-

“Shanks!” Mummy Buggy trilled from the bottom of the staircase. “Daddy Shanks! Come on downstairs!” She had bounced back from their argument yesterday, sure it was just a misunderstanding. Daddy was probably upset about his business and was trying to communicate it to Mummy so they could sort it out together! Well, she had gotten his secret message. She understood her Daddy very well, you see. And to help him talk out his upsetness there was a surprise for him in the living room! Mummy Booger couldn’t be more excited.

A small part of her wished Sanji’s party hadn’t taken the brunt of his dissatisfaction. She felt like an unworthy Mummy to her baby boi. The thought made her sad. Her young son, at the young age of eighteen, had his birthday party cancelled! Mummy knew her baby boi would forgive her, though she could see the unhappiness in his eyes this morning; his aversion to bright light, loud noises, and general tiredness. Not to mention how much food he had eaten for breakfast! Mummy knew her smol baby boi was probably eating so many fried goods because he was unhappy. His Mummy knew he was too young to be dealing with such so much stress. No matter – as soon as she had fulfilled her darling husband, her Daddy Shanks, she would REPLAN Sanji’s birthday party and make it even better than before. Mummy knew how much Sanji-poo liked the Despicable Me minions; he had binned the DVD upon receiving it with clear disgust on his face, which MUST have been a cover-up, an OVERCOMPENSATION because he was embarrassed if other people found out about his secret minion pleasure. No matter; Mummy knew it was nothing to be ashamed about, and would prove it to her baby boi!

“Daddy Shanks!” Mummy sang up the stairs again. She had fixed her masses of blue hair with tiny braids and butterfly clips she knew her Daddy loved. Now if only he would come downstairs and see her looking all dressed up and cute and she could forgive him and they could talk about what was REALLY wrong! Mummy Buggy worried about her Daddy Shanks. 

He finally stumbled down the stairs, groaning. He was shirtless, his red hair a matted mess over his forehead and the cusp of his shoulders. Shanks stumbled, clearly still a little drunk, and Mummy looked upon him in shock.

Mummy Buggy knew her darling shanks must had drunk the night before out of guilt and angst due to their argument! Daddy shanks would try his hardest to get their relationship back on track, she was sure. She twirled a bright blue curl around her fingers, rubbing the soles of her clown shoes on the floor in what she assumed was a cute manner, cheeks colouring the same as her nose through her blush. Daddy had forgotten to put a shirt on before walking down the stairs – and he KNEW what that would do to his Mummy. He WANTED Mummy to be hot and flustered so she would forgive him easier! His plan was so translucent, so simple, just like he was.

“What is it, Buggy?” he squinted when looking at her, room too bright.

Buggy giggled. “I have a surprise for you in the living room!”

Shanks brushed past his wife and to the room beyond. In there sat a large man who wore a a red uniform jacket, completed with gold tassles on the shoulders and a white necktie.   
“Who are you?” Shanks said gruffly. He would rather cure his hangover with more alcohol than one of Buggy’s ridiculous surprises.

“Hello,” he said. “My name’s Gol D. Roger. It seems that your wife –“

“Mummy Buggy,” Buggy corrected earnestly, bouncing on the balls of her feet out of excitement.

“Oh yes, that’s right – MUMMY BUGGY – hasn’t told you who I am.” The man smiled. “I’m a relationship counsellor.”

sanpei - gol d roger as the therapist!!! i wonder how this would go !!! give me many comments!!! xx


	4. CHAPTER 4 - A RIVAL MANS

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There is a rival mans for Buggy's love, though she is too faithful and sugoi kawaii to realise it... >.<

CHAPTER FOUR

“And what’s your success rate like? As successful as –“ Shanks cleared his throat, “Mummy Buggy is when she tries to seduce me?” Just saying her name, especially with her self-appointed title, was like tar in Shanks’ throat. 

Mummy Buggy blushed. Oh, she knew her darling shanks would want them to get back together! After all, she was excellent at seducing her shanky-poo. She knew all his erogenous zones. He loved it when she curled her clown nose up a little and stared him down through her lashes while she was removing one (only the top!) of her always-worn five layers. Mummy Buggy was faithful to her shanksy-kins; she always wore up to twenty layers when going out just so men wouldn’t look at her lustfully without her mans around. She would wear more layers in the summer, or as she called it the ‘promiscuous months’ in which all the ‘harlots’ would sleep around. In the sexual months Mummy would layer up more to keep gazes of men away.

“My suc-sex rate is very high, if you get what I mean,” Gol D. Roger winked at the pair. Mummy Buggy laughed cutely; Shanks was too hungover to respond. Goldy Roger frowned.  
“So, as I always start these sessions. Do both of you think there’s a problem in your relationship?”

“No,” Shanks said abruptly.

Mummy Buggy simultaneously burst into tears. “There’s something wrong and he won’t tell me what!” Mummy whined like a child. She even stamped her feet on the floor.  
Gol D. Roger looked at Mummy Buggy pityingly. He extracted his napkin from his pocket; she blew her clown nose in it loudly. Shanks grimaced.

What was wrong with this pair? They were both clearly attractive people, hardworking. Gol D. Roger found his eyes straying to Mummy Buggy’s chest before looking back up at the couple before him. Unfortunately Gol D. Roger had ‘a thing’ for women with flat chests and flat body shapes – preferably no curves, even horse-calves were suitable – and Mummy Buggy had exactly this, her clown genes shaping her in the eye of Roger’s every fantasy (sexual and otherwise). 

Gol D. Roger assumed the fault laid in Shanks, considering he was the one in the party who was significantly drunk while at a therapist’s session, though he had no warning of said session. Perhaps it was the wife, Buggy, though she seemed too distraught over the problem she was citing to have caused a fracture in her own relationship – and seemed to be fiddling too much with the hem of her red polka-dot dress as she spoke.

“Well I’m glad you came to me,” Gol D. Roger said. “Now I need you two to both tell me what you want out of these sessions.”

“I want things to go back to normal!” Mummy Buggy wailed, throwing her head back. “I want Daddy to love me again and sleep in the same room as me!”

“And Shanks,” Gol D. Roger turned to the mans in question, “What would you like?”

“Currently? Another beer.” His neck and head were resting on the sofa, eyes shut, clearly trying to juggle his hangover and an impromptu therapy session. 

Gol D. Roger scrawled something down. Usually he faked writing things just so his clients thought he was doing something important, though this time he had many things to note.

“Now we’ve got all that preliminary stuff out the way,” Gol D. Roger said, “Let’s continue. I really think we’re getting somewhere already. Remember, the key to every healthy relationship is communication, communication, communication. Which is exactly what we’re doing right now. I also just want to say that I’m happy you guys reached out for help. Relationships are tough, and on the outside they seem easy. My contribution is more of a boost to an already successful partnership. After all, you have already been together for a long time, yes?”

“Yes!” Mummy Bugggy wailed. “Yes, Mister Goldeyo! For nineteen years, almost.” She dabbed at the tears dripping off her chin.

“Shanks?”

“She’s hardly BSing a fact, mate.” 

Gol D. Roger found himself gritting his teeth. How unsufferable this husband was! And the mothering Buggy merely giggled at Shanks’ acknowledgement of said ‘fact’.  
“So,” Gol D. Roger continued, “I want you to tell me three things you like about your partner, and three things you want to change in them. Shanks, how about we start with you?”

“No,” Shanks grunted, very clearly pissed and hungover.

“Right then.” Gol D. Roger frowned at him. “Mother Buggy?”

“It’s Mummy Buggy, Goly Roger. Mummy. I am the mummy of everyone who needs love, or mummies. ‘Mother’ is so distant. I never want a child to feel unloved, or any human for that matter.”

Gol D. Roger felt rather unloved in that moment. He wished Mummy Buggy would give him some lovin’. Heh.

Shanks rolled his eyes. Neither Gol D. Roger or Mummy Buggy noticed; the former enraptured by the bright blue afro curls of the seductive fish-like womans, the latter focussed on berating the audacious therapist.

“I apologise, Mummy Buggy.” Gol D. Roger couldn’t stop looking at his client. He wanted to drink her whole appearance in without making it obvious to her husband – the same husband he was trying to get her back together with. If they got back together they may have the secc. Gol D. Roger’s face heated up. “Please continue. Three things you like about you soon-to-be-estranged – oh, I mean three things about you DOTING husband, things you love about him, and three things you would like to change.” Gol D. Roger bet his girlfriendo wanted many changes.

sendosenpai - hello my kawaii boyos. pls comment. give me 3 kudos each. make fake accounts. i need the nourishment. the next chapter will be posted as soon as i get adequate validation, for you see it is already written but is it ripe? WHEN WILL IT BE RIPE???????

sanpei xxxx

PS - if you enjoi this puree humour, be sure to check out my other story 'Let Me Be The Wallpaper That Papers Up Your Room'. Shanks is a pure boi in it  
xxx


	5. Chapter 5

CHAPTER FIVE

“Yes, yes,” Mummy Buggy flapped her hands around excitedly. “Three things I love about Shanks! Of course he knows I love everything about him – don’t you, sweetie?” She turned to him with a loving smile, revealing all five rows of her malting teeth, and Shanks turned his gaze away so his sensitive drink-addled eyes wouldn’t have to suffer in the sight of yellowed bone. She giggled at what she assumed to be his attempt to not get a bonair in company. 

“I like it when Shanks comes home from work and says he likes my cooking and spends time with me,” Mummy Buggy began. “I like it when Shanks spends weeks away on business trips, because anyone with half a brain knows fondness makes the heart grow stronger, so he simply MUST be doing it for the sake of our relationship…” As chirpy as she tried to make her voice sound, her face was too expressive to conceal her inner sadness regarding the matter.

“But I especially love it when he buys me nice lovely things so I know he cares – like this, look at these,” Mummy Buggy proudly presented her left hand to Gol D. Roger, “Shanks buys me beautiful jewellery all the time, and I just can’t stand to take any of it off, so I wear all of it all the time.” Mummy Buggy’s fingers were stacked with three rings each. “The pinky has only sapphires, and the rest have diamonds. See? See? This is my favourite one.”

“Lovely,” Gol D. Roger said. He thought expensive jewellery seemed out of character for the unshaven pirate-esque drunken man in his therapy session, and got jealous because he knew he would never be able to provide for the clown femail like HE could. If only Shanks was as disappointing as he was hungover.

“Three things I want to change about Shanks…” Mummy Buggy sat back and considered. Her face was screwed up (cutely) in concentration. Her clown nose was especially red. “I–I’m not really sure.” Mummy Buggy looked up at Gol D. Roger earnestly. “Is – is that okay?” She looked very troubled. “I want this to go well. I want to put in my full effort – I want to fix our relationship. I just…genuinely adore everything about him.”

Buggy turned to Shanks, eyes glittering with unshed tears. 

Shanks picked at something between his teeth, oblivious.

“Of course, Mummy Buggy,” Gol D. Roger was moved by her show of affection. The capability of this gorgeous woman to love. Shanks, with his pale hungover skin, deserved none of her. “How about we move onto your husband.”

Buggy and Gol D. Roger turned to Shanks. It took him a moment to equate ‘husband’ to himself. When he did he straightened himself up.

“Three things I like about Mothering Booger,” perhaps Shanks was more drunk than hungover –

“You can always call me Missus Shanks, if you’d prefer,” Mummy Buggy fluttered her lashes.

“I’m good.” He cracked his knuckles and continued. “I like her cooking.” Mothering Booger was one of the best chefs on this side of the world. She had taught Sanji to cook, and he showed maximum promise. “I like how much she – cares – about this family. I like that she, uh –“ Shanks pulled up short, struggling for a third point. Mummy Buggy, however, had not noticed, and was sobbing in the corner, overwhelmed at his high praise. “I like that she’s – Hawkeye’s sister?” Shanks attempted.

Buggy sobbed loudly in the corner. Gol D. Roger took his handkerchief out of this breast pocket and almost leant forward to dab under her eyelids, only to pull up short. Shanks’ sharp eyes surveyed the situation suspiciously; would Shanks suspiciously survey a simple s-interaction with such intenSity if he wasn’t suspicious? 

“And what is it about being Hawkeye’s sister that makes you like your wife, Shanks?” Gol D. Roger handed Buggy the handkerchief instead, which she loudly trumpeted her bulbous clown nose into. He turned to Shanks, the seriousness of a suitor, and readied his hand over a clip board.

“Dunno.” Shanks was too hungover to BS his way through an excuse, and Buggy looked adequately appeased so it didn’t bother him all that much.

“Right. And the three things you would want to change about Missus Shanks?”

“ONLY MISTER SHANKS CAN CALL ME THAT!” Mummy Buggy’s tears had stilled in shock. “HE SAYS THAT WHEN HE WANTS MY LADY PARTS TO TINGLE.” She looked stricken, eyes wide. Her large mouth was drawn in a wide frown, tears glistening on her eyelashes. She sniffed. “IT’S A HUSBAND-WIFE THING!”

“By lady parts she means her earbuds. We lead a very chaste life.” Shanks turned to Buggy. “One thing I would change about Buggy is the way she always insists I call her mother, or Mummy. The other is how much she smothers our son, Sanji. If she had it her way he would never be able to leave the house and would probably be more sheltered than a homeless dude living in one.” Shanks turned to Buggy. “The last thing is that I wish she wasn’t as impulsive or stubborn.”

“These are some nice ideas we can explore together, Shanks,” Gol D. Roger knew this would trip him up and ruin their relationship. Not only that, but his counselling parts were tingling. These were the parts of the juice he was paid to reveal. “Tell me more about this impulsiveness.”

“Well,” Shanks said calmly, “She stole a whole child about a year into our companionship without even consulting me.”

“You LOVE Sanji-poo!” Mummy Buggy wailed. Her eyes creased shut as she sobbed, throwing her head back. She stamped both her feet on the floor in unison, calf-legs imitating the very horses they resembled. Even Gol D. Roger’s handkerchief didn’t have enough absorption to mop up the mess of phlegm slickening her skin. 

“Yes,” Shanks said absently. This conversation would go down much better if everyone in the room were drinking; then again, so would most. “I do.”

“Then why are you – why are you –“

“You stole him from a household of people who loved him already, Buggy. He would have had two loving parents. He would have been the prince.” It was clear his calm tone was covering for his anger. 

“He’s MY prince!” Mummy Buggy yowled. Tears and snot dripped off her chin. Gol D. Roger had to bite his lip to stop a moan escaping at the sight of his passionate gal-o. “MINE! I thought you loved him –“ 

“Don’t doubt my love for Sanji.” Shanks’ tone was low and angry. 

Mummy Buggy was silenced. Her lip trembled; she tried to hold back a sob. She started hiccupping, breathing irregular, hands shaking. 

“I – I’m sorry, Shanks-san. I’m sorry –“ she moved her trembling hand, leaning over their seat to place it on Shanks’ thigh. 

He shifted his leg out of her grip.

Buggy gasped. “Daddy Shanks?” she breathed airily, shock colouring her lips. 

“Why did you call in a therapist, Buggy?” his tone was deep and sharp. 

Mummy Buggy, her lady parts tingling at his aggressiveness, “To fix our marriage. All the love is gone.”

“Friends get into arguments.”

“I – I know – but best friends, the married ones – the married friends, the friends who share bedrooms and are in love with each other – they…” she whimpered like a cat getting cronched in a lawnmower, “They get over it.”

Shanks almost vommed.

“In love?”

Gol D. Roger didn’t even have to fuel this fire. He sat back, legs crossed at the ankles, and watched his firey womans claim him by unclaiming Shanks (although perhaps, Shanks was unclaiming Bogger).

“Yes. I love you.”

Shanks’ face paled. Out of respect for the woman he had been existing side-by-side with for the past twenty-or-so years he tried to keep it down, but his gag reflex kicked in and he dry heaved. 

 

sanpei - i hope this chapter illuminated u, dear readers. pls comment rn. i am bored  
ty ty. expect another chapter at some point


	6. SIX STANDS FOR SIBLING BONDING

CHAPTER SIX

“Just to clarify,” Shanks said to Buggy, “We have never been in a sexual or romantic relationship.”

“Yes,” Mummy howled, “Yes, that is exactly right! Because our love transcends this earthly plane-“

“Wait wait wait,” Shanks was still too hungover for her weirdness, “Love?”

Buggy looked toward Shanks, snot bubbling out of her nose.

“We are FRIENDS, Buggy.” 

Buggy was :(. 

-

Shanks would come back. Mummy Buggy was sure of it.

Distance made the heart grow fonder. Shanks wasn’t REALLY moving out. He just needed to exert some man-control, make himself feel more masculine, make himself feel more like a mans. But soon enough he would miss all those wonderful things he loved about his Mummy Booger – her cooking, the fact she was Hawkeye’s sister…maybe this was a good thing, because when he came back it would surely be with a beautiful gift.

Buggy didn’t want any gifts. She just wanted her Daddy back.

“Brother Hawkeye!” Mummy Buggy sobbed –

Hawkeye was relieved he could say himself and Buggy were not biologically related –

“WHEN WILL DADDY SHANKS COME BACKKK,” she wailed. The police had been called three times to the house already due to noise complaints. Hawkeye had to bribe them away. He couldn’t make Buggy shut up and had no desire to sit in a prison cell where she could embarrass him in front of other people. 

Hawkeye knew Shanks would not come back for a long while. The only reason he wasn’t on their private island at the All Blue was because he was waiting for Hawkeye to come with him. 

At this rate, Hawkeye wondered if he would ever see the island again. 

“Have this,” Hawkeye suggested. It was a glass of sake, tactically poured into Mummy’s unicorn mug so she would be too mentally preoccupied with the glitter to realise the smell or taste of the drink. 

“NO!” Mummy yelled, swatting the mug out of Hawkeye’s hand. It smashed on the floor. 

That was good sake.

“NOOOOOOO!” Mummy cried louder, kneeling on the floor and trying to pick up the ceramic pieces. “Brother Hawkeye, call the ambulance! There’s been a – a – a CASUALITY!” She bent over the mug shards, sobbing wildly. She tried to scrape the pieces together using the sides of her hands but they were too large and grotesque for the nimble job, like two deer hooves.

There was pain in Hawkeye’s chest. That was good sake. A rare sake. He had brought it out in celebration for Shanks being liberated from his sister and had decided to grace her with some. 

He felt guilty that they were together. He was, after all, the one who proposed the bet that made Shanks marry Buggy. 

He felt disgusted when looking at Mummy Booger. He had once asked his parents why they had decided to adopt such an ugly child, and they had no answer. 

“No one else wanted her?” his mother suggested.

“We thought she would grow out of her ugliness, but it only went the other way,” his father said. 

“I always wanted a daughter,” his mother said. 

“I pitied her. The other kids used to shave her hair while she was asleep and make it into yarn and make sweaters out of it for her. She, of course, had no idea what they were made of and used to wear them all the time, and then wonder why everyone laughed at her,” his father once revealed.

Buggy still had one of those sweaters. She dressed Sanji in it when he was a smaller boi. When Sanji got nits from it, she was very confused. 

There was a knock on the door. “Police.”

Hawkeye sighed, though was absently glad it gave him an excuse to get away from Buggy’s ugliness, and answered the door.

The officers, Smoker and Bentham, revealed their identification. 

“We have had noise complaints from this address –“ Buggy’s loud wailing interrupted Bentham, who winced, “and –“

Hawkeye stared at him. How dare he wince at his sister.

“I don’t like your tone.”

“I’m sorry, sir,” Bentham began –

“No.” Hawkeye said. He’d paid these guys off three times now. In all likelihood they were probably coming back without the complaints, trying to get more money off him. He slammed the door shut in their faces. 

The next day he went to get a hearing check, and discovered he had permanently lost 20% of his hearing because of Buggy’s screeching. 

author-san~ this is for all my four kudos'r's! pls comment! buggy loves it!  
ps - there is a beautiful future planned for mummy buggy-chan! who is excited!


	7. SEVEN - SEXY SHANKS

CHAPTER SEVEN

Gol D. Roger slicked back his hair. The black locks looked gloriously greasy. He straightened out his collar and took a deep breath nervously. Today he would be going to visit his gal-o, the beautiful Mummy Buggy, and would be giving her a bouquet of red roses and…he checked the box. A lovely diamond ring. He was jealous because he couldn’t afford any of the fancier rings, which were what Shanks gave her. He was too poor so the diamond was actually incrusted into plastic, which he had already had to glue together once since having it custom-made.

He had not seen his gorgeous womans since their therapy session, when she wouldn’t stop batting her dragon-from-Shrek-esque lashes at her. He KNEW she wanted his attention. That’s why she called him rather than any other therapist. He had been thinking about his womans for a long time since their last meeting. She wanted to show off that she already had a man to him, which is why she invited Gol D. Roger to her house with Shanks present. 

Shanks was a very handsome man, but the very fact that Mummy Buggy had considered HIM to be competition to him assured Gol D. Roger of how much she valued his love. That was the very reason why she acted so elusive in Shanks’ presence: she wanted two mans to be fighting for her. Well, fight for her he would. He wasn’t King of the Pirates for nothing. 

That was why she was playing so hard to get. She hadn’t contacted him since their last therapy session, but the intensity of their bond meant Gol D. Roger could SENSE that she wanted him. He checked the engagement ring again and took a deep breath.

-

As soon as the door open, Gol D. Roger shouted, “Will you marry me!” already down on one knee.

Sanji kicked him in the face. “Go away, loser.”

Oh; it was Sanji that opened the door. This was Mummy Buggy’s son – his future baby boi! Gol D. Roger cried – not because of the pain, oh no, but because his son was a strong boi, most certainly not from the pain. He dropped the ring on the floor and clutched his nose. It was very broken. 

Sanji watched him, scrolling through something on his phone. “What do you want? Go away.”

Gol D. Roger, still on the floor, opened his mouth to respond, but his whole face hurt too much. Sanji paid it no notice. 

Buggy appeared beside Sanji.

Gol D. Roger was speechless. 

She was exceedingly beautiful. Gol D. Roger fell even more in love. 

Her hair was matted and frayed, the weight of the grease making it flop over her forehead. Her holes had socks in them – her socks had holes in them – she was making him so crazy he couldn’t even think straight! Her eyes were swollen from crying, her nose snotty. She looked like she had appeared out of a magazine about feral womans’ in caves.

Gol D. Roger felt his heart thump. He had a nose bleed.

“Mister – Mister Goly?” Mummy Buggy whimpered. She linked her arm through her baby boi’s for support. “Mister Shanks and I – “ she couldn’t stand to say it, “We don’t need therapy anymore.”

Oh no! Had Gol D. Roger misread the situation??? Was it possible that Mothering Booger and Sexy Shanks had gotten back together??? Was Mummy Buggy crying because of how awful her mans was?? Well it didn’t matter – Gol D. Roger would SAVE his damsel in distress. He had left her alone in the terrible house for far too long, and the terribly sexy Shanks had dug his claws into her again. But Gol D. Roger would never let anyone make his womans miserable!

“I will fight for you,” Gol D. Roger said around his painful face. Unfortunately it was so muffled that it sounded more like ‘I will fight you’.

Sanji laughed in his face. “Okay.”

Oh no! Would Gol D. Roger have to win over his baby boi, too? Had Shanks’ sexiness brainwashed the pair of them so badly?!?!

He stood up on shaky legs, shaky because of his womans and not Sanji’s kick, and handed her the red roses. “Mummy Bug-“

Mummy Buggy wailed! Gol D. Roger wasn’t sure what he had done! 

“No! Not roses – nothing reminiscent of –“ of love, of happiness, of romance. Everything beautiful had been leeched out of Buggy’s life. Sometimes when she was alone at night she would look at pictures of Shanks and her ears would tingle sensually. She couldn’t look at red roses, she couldn’t even consider them. Was Gol D. Roger trying to throw her failed love back in her face!

Gol D. Roger didn’t understand! He would try harder. He decided that for now, he would keep his plastic engagement ring concealed. He would court Mummy first, figure out what she liked, and then when everything was perfectly romantic she would ask to marry her. 

author-san~ hello bois, sanpei presents you with the double update! what do my reader-poos think about Gol D. Roger??? is he perfect for Mummy?? will mummy ever recover??????

mummy is feeling very sad right now. it makes me sad. i dont like writing a sad mummy, she deserves only happiness. she is v pure, a cinnamon roll. :(


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